The Road through my Fucked Up Life.

Road paved on 3:42 PM |

Fuck Rant - watever that is...

Dear passengers, sorry for the lack of update. Was busy with lectures and futsal selections and tai chi classes and debate selections and other what nots. Oh ya, still got CF camp to prepare and tons of PBLs, life has been tough lately.

But today woke up extra early to come here to rant a little. For most of you, please kindly scroll down as the next few paragraphs is not short of vulgarities and huge pissed off rants. Kinda learnt it from FireAngel. Just have to love her blog.

*Take a huge breath*

FUCK!!!!!!! FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!!!!
FUCKED UP PLACE, FUCKED UP WORLD,
FUCKED UP SONS OF BITCHES!!! ARGH!!!!

You know how you are FUCKING prepared to receive a bad news you knew you will get. But somehow when that piece of fucking news is handed to you, you just fucking cant accept it. You ready yourself for this huge fucking disappointment and you tell yourself, if you cry, you'll just fuck yourself up. Fine, tried to put up with fucked up happy face, just go around teasing people... it's just so fucking tiring after some time.

Then ppl will ask, why try to hide then... well, you guys havent seen me in my fucked up pissed off mood before, so don't question. I get into really bad destruction mode when I'm fucking pissed off with myself, you guys wont want to see me.

It's not that I actually minded the fucking bad news, I just hate the fucking schedule set for us. Fucking briefings and seminars all over the place... come on man, ppl also want to enjoy stay in Singapore la (not like there is much to enjoy anyway). It's not helping when your friends want to go off without you. And a bloody fucking test, wahsai... wat the hell??!!! Damn shit right! Mah very malu if get trainee, what the fuck then?? Mah as well just give up and go home. Stupid shitty thing.

But you know what, I fucking don care anymore. At least no more stress of competition. Just pay SD128 to have a week holiday. I mean, I'm already out of the competition anyway, why fucking pile unwanted and unneeded stress anyway? It's not like I'll get good rankings anyway. What if I get Bobby Benedicto to rank me, then fucking hell ma damn shit malu?

FUCK!!!!!
Then you realise a friend of yours, who is way way better than some people selected screwed up his selection just because he suddenly has this fucking idea to just fuck himself in the ass. You get so fucking pissed off when he was expected to speak for 7 minutes and he did a speech of 4 minutes. He might as well just sign himself up for adjudicating instead of waiting to be selected. And I thought only blond bimbos are dumb, guess some guys can be dumb fucks too.

Everyone piled hopes on him, he is like so clearly good, but NO... he has to just stuff his fucking ass into where his brains were. GOD!!! I swear that guy has worse moods than a female baboon on heat. ARGH!!!! What fucking went wrong? You should see the disappointment on everyone's faces, I fucking could have slaughtered him right there and then.

Fine, was looking forward to just drown my fucking depressions in huge glasses of vodka and whiskey at fren's party tat night... mana tau, so toned down party. I was prohibited from vodka, why? Because they think I'm a fucking small kid who cant handle her alcohol?? Izzit my fucking fault that my face turns fucking red like a lobster after a glass of soft vodka? Shit!!! I'm still fucking sober, at least way sober than Prem. MWAHAHA, sorry Prem, did not mean to put you in this FUCK RANT.

And then I got home and just stone around, having nothing to do. Since I'm so fucking bored and all, I thought let's just humor myself and went to talk to Richard. Wahsai... one whole fucking debate again about how I should be studying and all that crap la. He actually has the guts to say it is NOT FAIR for Victor to fail Sem3 EOS while I pass. Excuse me... but last I check... I don't see how it is fucking UNFAIR for me to pass. He accused me of wasting my talents cos I could pass without studying but Victor has to slave for that fail.

You know what... I agree... a little. But you don't have to tell him that. He CHALLENGED me to work hard for at least a system and I look thru the future systems and saw Renal, Musculoskeletal and Central Nervous System, and thought... FUCKING NO!!! And this is what I told him, "Even if I worked hard for Renal and get an A, I will go back to my old habit because it is just too hard." Too bad la, but it's reality lor.

Then he questioned about the knowledge I gathered, and I told him the truth. "Whatever you studied, I will study too, cos I'm studying from YOUR notes."

Shucks!!! And then he shot me at my fucking weakest point: my dependancy on him. So what if I depend on him. Fuck him la and let's just end this fuck rant.

FUCKED UP LIFE!!!!!

Fuck, I hate this part of my life.

I see my friends getting depressed, some contemplated suicide, some attempted suicide, and I get a little depressed myself. People load me with questions like "why is this happening in my life" or "why is God so not fair to me" or some other crap, expecting advices from me.

Rule Number 1: I CAN'T give fucking advice. MY advice to all of your questions would be: "JUST FUCKING FORGET IT!!! Either that or just go to HELL!"

Crap load of shit. People ask me what I think of this, what I think of that...

Rule Number 2: I HATE to THINK. Your life is YOUR fucking problem, not mine!

People ask is he ok? People ask is she ok? How come no one ask am I ok. Fucking shit. That freaking happy mask I put on is so tight that everyone thinks I'm ok. You know what... fuck you but I am not. And people just worsen that fucking condition by adding salt to wound. Fuck off, idiots. You guys think you are just so perfect izzit? Add la that fucking pepper, you want tobasco to go with it? Why not just take a fucking hot poker and shove it up my ass.

Rule Number 3: I'm still fucking human. I MAY look OK, but I'm NOT OK.

And screw it, you know what, I fucking don't care anymore. I give up. Seriously. I'm sick and tired of acting happy all the time, acting like nothing ever bothers me.

Shit on an ass, what you think I am? Some deity or something? This fucking course I'm taking is fucking me upside down and inside out. I'm still wondering why am I so fucking moronic to take up such a bloody fucking no-life fucking course. Exams come like fucking every month, no life, no fun, nothing but shit on a stick. And I don't even like the course. And me helping other people? Ya, like I fucking care if 24% women are dying of breast cancer or men are becoming stupid-er day by day.

Fuck. Why the hell am I here, just slaving my butt off for something that I don't even fucking want.

Maybe it's because I'm a dumb fuck and I have nothing fucking better to do.

Fuck. Fucking shit. Fucked up life. Seriously fucked up beyond all repair.



Whew... that feels so much better. Did not have anyone to rant to back home, so decided to rant here. It certainly feels good to get all that 'fucks' building up in me. Haha.

Don't look at me like that. I'm OK, seriously. It's just everyone is ranting their depression online, so thought I would do the same with the anger. And it actually feels good. Sigh... so relieved. Nothing feels better than just screaming "fuck" all over the place.

Seriously, I'm fine. So stop asking me that. I did not rant to bring attention to me. I'm really REALLY ok. Nothing a good night sleep cannot solve. Give me time to simmer, to blow up some cars or slaughter some lecturers, and I'll be fine. Truly. I just need an avenue to channel all this anger in my system. Any volunteers? YeeP? Agong? Come on, Sheena...

I think I'll just go eat some chocolates and pray. So what if I did not make that selection, so what? I'll just go and have fun. After all, that's the number ONE reason to go to Spore, as a debater OR an adjudicator.

Anyway, got to go now. PBL is at 1.45pm, need to find out what is the pathophysiology of Pelvic Inflammation Disease. I'm sorry for the rants above and if it kinda struck a chord anywhere, believe me, it wasn't intentionally. Well... not really. Hehe... I've got good friends. I don't have to worry.

Sigh... gonna go back to study and train for adjudicating. Question, Sheena: How the hell do you train for adjudication.

PS: Check out AhGong's panties. Somehow my initials are on it. EH.


A yellow scarf has been dropped in a pleasant meadow.
Please don't ask me to explain that.
- Piccolo's Cryptic Fortunes, Budehuc Castle, Suikoden III

We passed by on 3:42 PM |

Road paved on 6:34 PM |

Marriage? Yuck!!!

I realised something last saturday... Most of my cousins from my paternal side are getting married already. I went for my grandma's bday last saturday and was stunned to hear that two cousins who are 1 year older than me is getting married this year (to different people). And the cousin who is 3 years older than me is already pregnant with her first child. And my cousin who is same age as me, just a few months older is already engaged.

That makes me look like the only old maid around the cousins of my age group... which is so...so... sad... NOT!!!!

With them getting married means I have more angpows to get on CNY. So who's complaining anyway?

Getting married is such a chore, don't you think? It means you are finally tied down and you have a guy always trespassing your personal space. You will be laden with responsibilities of being half of the relationship ie comfort your hubby, screw your hubby, make a son for your hubby... etc.

This scenario happened yesterday in Lecture Theatre, between me and Sushi, who just got a new GF. I'm trying to get him to this concert because he is going to be the Worship Leader of the CF Camp and he needs exposure on how a session is going to be done.
Me: Go la... this Friday... Boleh la!!!
SC: Erm... erm....
Me: Can la... you need to go. Go for experience at least.
SC: Need to ask her first la.

Wahsai!!! Like a tied up dog! I didnot know you need to ask permission to hang out with your friends!!! I personally thank God that I don't have such a partner, serious!!!

SC: You are different. You very selfish.
And he went on and on about it, about being a fishmonger and all that.

So what?

Fact No 1:
I hate being tied down, having to come to someone's beck and call. I happened to be a human being who loves freedom and who believes in the basic human right of doing whatever she wants as long as it doesn't cause any physical harm to any other human beings. And by being tied down, I don't have the freedom anymore. Everything I do, I would be questioned by my hubby. Everytime I go out with friends, I need to ask permission from hubby. Argh!!!

Fact No 2:
My personal space happened to be huge and it encompasses almost everything I do. So it means my hubby will be like stepping into my personal space almost every second. I like my personal space and I guard it like a bulldog guards its kennel, and I get really pissed when my personal space is trespassed that I will bite! Grrr... snarl...

Fact No 3.
I'm allergic to responsibilities. Enuff said.

So, getting married is just something I would find a bore and a total waste of time. It would be nice to be free, to roam, to do whatever I want. Sigh... such would be life...

Then it reminds me off this song by Charlene "Never been to me" and I start to wonder, izzit true? I hate being a mother (I hate kids for that matter), I hate the responsibilities that comes with being a mother.


But let's just say I happened to want to be a mother... IF I want to be... I'll need to get married by the age of 27 at least. Medic students should know that a woman must have her first child before the age of 30, or the child will have a high chance of being retarded, the woman will have higher risk of breast and cervical cancer. So all ladies take note.

So I need to get married by 27, leaving me a whole two years to 'enjoy' married life before being burdened by a kid. But then, let me see... by the time I get my MBBS, I would be at least 23, 4 years for intern and houseman, I'm already 27. Then there is my specialist and all that crap...wow, I'll be an old maid by the time I get married. That is so... BAD!!! Aww... shit!!!

But actually, who cares yet? Still 10 more years to go before the deadline (deadline = 30 years old for first kid). Plenty of time to pick among the male of the species for the more worthy ones. Mwahaha...

Oops... for a moment there, I forgot I had a bf, hehe... oops.


One would think that all the above thinking may sound so male, about pushing away responsibilities, not liking to be committed... so I decided to try out this test on YeeP's blog (she seemed to like yeeping on all these little funny things), and guess what?

Your Brain is 33.33% Female, 66.67% Male

You have a total boy brain Logical and detailed, you tend to look at the facts And while your emotions do sway you sometimes... You never like to get feelings too involved

Wow... I never knew that I'm so boyish (haha, ya right). And guess what... I don't really mind at all. Screw it la!! Being a boy is cool if it means running away from responsibilities!!!

Anyway, going for CF now. Was bored, so blogged about this. Actually planned to blog about something else, but who cares...

Oh my... What a handsome man! Sit down and have
some tea and I promise I won't stalk you.
- Lady in Le Buque, Suikoden III

We passed by on 6:34 PM |

Road paved on 4:45 PM |

Sex and Ball...???

What has sex got to do with ball????? Or ball have to do with sex, for that matter?

We can think of ways how a ball is used in sex (aka M1/04 orientation).

Casanova talked about inserting a golden ball into the vagina as a contraceptive method during sex.

When we think of sex, we think of balls (ie the male's testicles).

Sex can be a ball (ball defined as an extremely enjoyable time or experience)

Balling is the vulgar slang for to have sexual intercourse with.


What has sex got to do with ball to a medical student like me?

Actually, nothing at all. Hehe... it's just these two things are like the major focus of almost all students of M2/03, yup my batch. Sex and ball... sounds fun eh, life as a medical student?? SEX and BALL, SEX and BALL, SEX and BALL...

Ok, enuff of the crap. Why SEX and BALL seemed to be on our minds since last week? It's because it's almost a week into our Reproductive System and the IMU BALL is at the end of the week. So almost everyone in my batch has been thinking over and over again, SEX and BALL, SEX and BALL, SEX and BALL...

I'll tackle these two topics as separate points, as they are ACTUALLY SEPARATE points all together.


SEX aka REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM

"There is just something about sex that seemed to make conversations more livelier and people usually pay more attention to whatever you are saying if somehow the word sex is involved."

The quote above is given by an old friend of mine, Ray, whose mind seemed to be filled to the brink with sex (which guy doesnt).

Ya, I would have agreed with him if not for the lectures that came with the Repro system. I tell you, according to them, sex is like the most boring thing in the world!!! Well, actually... it IS boring.

Porn IS boring!!! Sex scene in romance novels ARE boring. Ok, well, they can be exciting at first, when all things are new and you are just discovering yourself and all... but after sometime... it gets boring, B-O-R-I-N-G!!! Girls thrive on imagination and we usually care more about the plot than the act itself. Nothing is more repetitve than the act of sex itself (other than studying). How much different can you write about how people get along in bed? Or how different can one porn star be from another?? The same "fuck me in the ass!!" or "fuck me! fuck me! Faster! Deeper!" or even the "Ooohh... aaahhh...!!" it gets boring after some time.

I haven't watched an SM porn yet tho, so don't ask me... hmmm... come to think of it... it'll be really interesting...

Anyway, coming back to what I was saying about the Repro system. I could still remember how excited my classmates were back in form3 where our first science chapter was Reproduction. To tell ya the truth, that was the chapter I hated the most cos it was so boring, with all the menstrual cycles and ovarian cycles... sheesh!! Stupid chapter...

And I still feel the same way now. Sex and Repro in a way is similar, but in another way is so totally different. Put into an everyday life situation, sex and reproduction is two totally different things. Sex is something that can be casual, not linked to any commitment whatsoever. But when you reproduce, you are bringing a new life into the world, with tons of commitment and all stupid responsibilities. See???

Talk to me about sex anytime, just don't bring in repro.

We had our introduction to repro last week, and it was still pretty exciting then. I get to talk sex with people I usually don't talk sex with (sounds like talk shop). And it was during that time that Raymond's words held true. It was Juriah's lecture... supposedly to be B-O-R-I-N-G, but surprisingly, it was funny, cos I get to talk sex with innocent people like Adeline and non-innocents like Richard.

Juriah: Causes of painful intercourse.
Adeline: Infections.
Richard: Big penis, small vagina.
Elena: Insensitive men.
3 answers to that question, by 3 very different people. Agong is damn innocent, Rich is as perverted as always, Elena... well let's just say she's realistic.

Juriah challenged the guys to go to the pharmacy and make not of all the different types sanitary pads available.
Juriah: You know, the one for overnight, the one with wings...
Richard: And you can get the one with turbojets, with brands like Boeing...
Juriah: Malays call it the batang.
Big Xiao: Mine is not batang, its balak.
Literally translated as: Mine is not a twig, mine is a log!

The thing that made Repro tough is the fact that God created 2 beings instead of one. So there is the male repro system, and then there is the more complex FEMALE repro system.

Richard: Why God made two? Must study so much. One enuff la.
Elena: Ya la... make woman enuff la, why bother us with Man.
Richard: But He created man first.
Elena: Ya la... the Man was so faulty He had to create a better one ma. Woman lor.

Oh on another part of Repro, it reminded me of Mark's labrador-golden retriever. It's a female and she was giving birth with Mark looking on. Got 5 puppies, but actually supposed to have 6.
Mark: So kasihan la. So painful.
And proceeded to help the bitch to give birth to the last puppy. He gave a tug and the puppy broke into half at the neck. Can see the guts and lungs and little heart. And the poor bitch just kept on pushing the dead pup out. EWWW!!!!

Anyway, that is on Repro and going onto the next part:



BALL ie IMU BALL 2005
This Ball is held annually and is one of the big events in IMU (other than IMU Cup and Friday Night). This year, the Ball is held in JW Marriot Putrajaya and is supposedly the last Ball for our batch, M2/03. So almost everyone is going to the ball.

Before going further, I would just like to clarify I am NOT going to this Ball. And the rest of this post is going to clarify why.

Bullshit No. 1: You can have bonding with your batchmates.
My idea of bonding is
A: getting together for a game of ginrummy/bridge/mahjong/tuati with alcohol involved.
B: getting together for a heated debate where you go for each other throats.
C: getting together to watch a movie and have dinner in Kim Gary or equivalent.
D: getting together in mamak making lots and lots of noise.
E: getting together for a game of futsal with lots of bashing up to do.
F: getting together for a game of PS2 (best bonding ever)
Ok, the list is long... and I don't see IMU BALL in that list. I have done almost all of the above with my batchmates, I have bonded very well with all of them...so the Ball is not needed to have bonding with my batchmates.


Bullshit No. 2: Ball is Fun.
How much fun can there be parading around in a suit/dress that is suffocating you all the time, not to mention that fucking suit cost a fucking vault of gold? How much fun can you have when you have to be self-conscious all thru the time?

"Does this red bra suits my red dress?"
"Is my tummy showing too much?"
"Is my butt too big?"
"Is that group of ppl laughing at how breastless I am?"
"Is this dress too short?"
"Damn, I should have gotten that other dress."
"Hey, that bitch has the same dress as me!!!"
"Does this earrings match my shoes?"
"Shit, I wore the wrong panties!"
"Does my hair style match my bra?"
"This necklace is not as beautiful as hers!!!"
"Ahh shit, I forgot to shave my armpits/wax my legs..."
"Ahhh!!!! My RM750 dress ruined cos its raining!!!"
"Fuck, I tore my dress when Mr. So-so stepped on its trail."

The list goes on and on!!! You get my point. How much fun can it be with all these eyes on you, judging you, and you being so self-conscious of them.


Bullshit No. 3: The Ball ticket is RM90. Very cheap.
Sure, RM90 is cheap, and you attend the Ball in jeans, Tshirt and sneakers. Sure, its only RM90, you just pay for tickets, don't have to buy dress/suit and shoes and other what nots.

Read out YeeP's yeepings on how much money is spent just to attend a bloody ball.

RM90 for a ticket to something that is not fun and probably not enjoyable.

RM200++ for a bloody dress, tailored or off the shelf. Usually people go for tailored dress (if you buy off the shelf, chances maybe someone has the same dress at the ball. Paiseh ma). I've friends whose dress reaches the upper range of RM700 (fuck, why so expensive for) and I used to think only these type of girls are crazy (or dumb) enough until I see a GUY friend with a suit costing RM650. Damn, these people are either dirty rich or just plain moronic.

RM200+++ for accessories. People are just not satisfied with normal bracelet or earrings. Must go for Diamonds&Platinum, or Tiffany Co., or Cartier or Swavrowski... shit man. Guys load themselves with Tag Heur watches, Tiffany Co. cufflinks... Come to think of it... I won't mind a Tiffany pendant myself... hehe...

RM100+++ for shoes. Cannot wear normal shoes, must buy matching the dress, the panties, the bra and the hair. So like that la.

RM100+++ for handbags. Bags almost must match the dress, the panties, the bra and the hair. If red, everything also mah red. If black, lagi better, can reuse the whole thing for someone's funeral.

RM100+++ for hair and makeup. These girls just can't do anything themselves, can't they? Must pay for hairstylist and makeup lagi. I'm allergic to makeup, so sorryla, but putting make up, isn't it just applying some powder here and there, lipsticks, some mascara, some rouge... I hate makeup. Reminds me of CLOWNS!!!

RM200+++ Misc. Like going for waxing, for padicure, u know la... all the bullshit things.

And guys can never forget the flowers for their dates, the cars and petrol (limosine if you are rich enough) and other things like soft music in the car and champagne(its a long drive to Putrajaya). Or maybe a diamond necklace to impress the girls... who knows.

Total expenditure: RM1000++++ spent on one night. Just ONE fucking night. Spending RM1000+++ to parade around like a moron and looking like a fool. I can do the same for free.

Not to mention the post-balls party where there is a lot of booze, a lot of drunks, a lot of sex... and of course MORE MONEY spent.


So I've cleared the clouds over the truth that is the IMU Ball and why I am NOT going to the ball?

Reason 1: I don't look good in a dress. I'll go in jeans and Tshirt if I'm ever going. I'm too short and a little on the chubby side to look good in a dress, so why make a fool of myself?

Reason 2: I have not so much money to spend so frivolously on a one night thing. RM1000 can be spent on better things which last forever, like BOOKS!!! and my PSP!!!

Reason 3: Getting a dress is real hassle. I have friends rushing all the way down to Seremban to get a dress done. Then there is the fitting and adjusting and matching of shoes, bra and panties, not to mention the hair and the makeup.

Reason 4: I simply don't want to go. Cannot ah???


Going to the ball is so much easier if you are guy, I think. You don't have to care about the dress. Or the shoes and makeup and accessories for that matter. You just need to worry about the car, the flowers, the champagne and how to complement your partner (man, its tough too.)

Males: Suit can be reused over and over again. Suits can be hand-me-downs from Dad.
Females: Dress can be only wear once. It's an embarrassment to be seen in the same dress again.
Me?: I wear Tshirt and khakis, wear the same style everyday.

At the ball, when someone (unfortunately) wears the same thing as you.
Male: "Hey, same suit. This is so totally cool! Ya my bro man. Brothers for life."
Female: "Hey, same dress. This is so totally NOT cool! This dress looks so much more beautiful on ME than on you. You copied my dress. Bitch"
For the females, the Ball is not a social gathering, its a battlezones between beauties. Terrible right? The male of the species just hang about, enjoying the night, while the female of the species will constantly be on alert to any other hostile females. Sheesh...


So in the end... I'm still NOT going to the ball. So there.


Sex and Ball, Sex and Ball, Sex and Ball... sigh...

Life's tough. Repro sucks. Gonna sign off now.

...Do you guys just have too much free time on your hands?
- Billy (to Seraphita and Tolone), Xenogears

We passed by on 4:45 PM |