Friday, April 22, 2005
Fuck Rant - watever that is...
Dear passengers, sorry for the lack of update. Was busy with lectures and futsal selections and tai chi classes and debate selections and other what nots. Oh ya, still got CF camp to prepare and tons of PBLs, life has been tough lately.
But today woke up extra early to come here to rant a little. For most of you, please kindly scroll down as the next few paragraphs is not short of vulgarities and huge pissed off rants. Kinda learnt it from FireAngel. Just have to love her blog.
*Take a huge breath*
FUCK!!!!!!! FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!!!!
FUCKED UP PLACE, FUCKED UP WORLD,
FUCKED UP SONS OF BITCHES!!! ARGH!!!!
You know how you are FUCKING prepared to receive a bad news you knew you will get. But somehow when that piece of fucking news is handed to you, you just fucking cant accept it. You ready yourself for this huge fucking disappointment and you tell yourself, if you cry, you'll just fuck yourself up. Fine, tried to put up with fucked up happy face, just go around teasing people... it's just so fucking tiring after some time.
Then ppl will ask, why try to hide then... well, you guys havent seen me in my fucked up pissed off mood before, so don't question. I get into really bad destruction mode when I'm fucking pissed off with myself, you guys wont want to see me.
It's not that I actually minded the fucking bad news, I just hate the fucking schedule set for us. Fucking briefings and seminars all over the place... come on man, ppl also want to enjoy stay in Singapore la (not like there is much to enjoy anyway). It's not helping when your friends want to go off without you. And a bloody fucking test, wahsai... wat the hell??!!! Damn shit right! Mah very malu if get trainee, what the fuck then?? Mah as well just give up and go home. Stupid shitty thing.
But you know what, I fucking don care anymore. At least no more stress of competition. Just pay SD128 to have a week holiday. I mean, I'm already out of the competition anyway, why fucking pile unwanted and unneeded stress anyway? It's not like I'll get good rankings anyway. What if I get Bobby Benedicto to rank me, then fucking hell ma damn shit malu?
FUCK!!!!!
Then you realise a friend of yours, who is way way better than some people selected screwed up his selection just because he suddenly has this fucking idea to just fuck himself in the ass. You get so fucking pissed off when he was expected to speak for 7 minutes and he did a speech of 4 minutes. He might as well just sign himself up for adjudicating instead of waiting to be selected. And I thought only blond bimbos are dumb, guess some guys can be dumb fucks too.
Everyone piled hopes on him, he is like so clearly good, but NO... he has to just stuff his fucking ass into where his brains were. GOD!!! I swear that guy has worse moods than a female baboon on heat. ARGH!!!! What fucking went wrong? You should see the disappointment on everyone's faces, I fucking could have slaughtered him right there and then.
Fine, was looking forward to just drown my fucking depressions in huge glasses of vodka and whiskey at fren's party tat night... mana tau, so toned down party. I was prohibited from vodka, why? Because they think I'm a fucking small kid who cant handle her alcohol?? Izzit my fucking fault that my face turns fucking red like a lobster after a glass of soft vodka? Shit!!! I'm still fucking sober, at least way sober than Prem. MWAHAHA, sorry Prem, did not mean to put you in this FUCK RANT.
And then I got home and just stone around, having nothing to do. Since I'm so fucking bored and all, I thought let's just humor myself and went to talk to Richard. Wahsai... one whole fucking debate again about how I should be studying and all that crap la. He actually has the guts to say it is NOT FAIR for Victor to fail Sem3 EOS while I pass. Excuse me... but last I check... I don't see how it is fucking UNFAIR for me to pass. He accused me of wasting my talents cos I could pass without studying but Victor has to slave for that fail.
You know what... I agree... a little. But you don't have to tell him that. He CHALLENGED me to work hard for at least a system and I look thru the future systems and saw Renal, Musculoskeletal and Central Nervous System, and thought... FUCKING NO!!! And this is what I told him, "Even if I worked hard for Renal and get an A, I will go back to my old habit because it is just too hard." Too bad la, but it's reality lor.
Then he questioned about the knowledge I gathered, and I told him the truth. "Whatever you studied, I will study too, cos I'm studying from YOUR notes."
Shucks!!! And then he shot me at my fucking weakest point: my dependancy on him. So what if I depend on him. Fuck him la and let's just end this fuck rant.
FUCKED UP LIFE!!!!!
Fuck, I hate this part of my life.
I see my friends getting depressed, some contemplated suicide, some attempted suicide, and I get a little depressed myself. People load me with questions like "why is this happening in my life" or "why is God so not fair to me" or some other crap, expecting advices from me.
Rule Number 1: I CAN'T give fucking advice. MY advice to all of your questions would be: "JUST FUCKING FORGET IT!!! Either that or just go to HELL!"
Crap load of shit. People ask me what I think of this, what I think of that...
Rule Number 2: I HATE to THINK. Your life is YOUR fucking problem, not mine!
People ask is he ok? People ask is she ok? How come no one ask am I ok. Fucking shit. That freaking happy mask I put on is so tight that everyone thinks I'm ok. You know what... fuck you but I am not. And people just worsen that fucking condition by adding salt to wound. Fuck off, idiots. You guys think you are just so perfect izzit? Add la that fucking pepper, you want tobasco to go with it? Why not just take a fucking hot poker and shove it up my ass.
Rule Number 3: I'm still fucking human. I MAY look OK, but I'm NOT OK.
And screw it, you know what, I fucking don't care anymore. I give up. Seriously. I'm sick and tired of acting happy all the time, acting like nothing ever bothers me.
Shit on an ass, what you think I am? Some deity or something? This fucking course I'm taking is fucking me upside down and inside out. I'm still wondering why am I so fucking moronic to take up such a bloody fucking no-life fucking course. Exams come like fucking every month, no life, no fun, nothing but shit on a stick. And I don't even like the course. And me helping other people? Ya, like I fucking care if 24% women are dying of breast cancer or men are becoming stupid-er day by day.
Fuck. Why the hell am I here, just slaving my butt off for something that I don't even fucking want.
Maybe it's because I'm a dumb fuck and I have nothing fucking better to do.
Fuck. Fucking shit. Fucked up life. Seriously fucked up beyond all repair.
Whew... that feels so much better. Did not have anyone to rant to back home, so decided to rant here. It certainly feels good to get all that 'fucks' building up in me. Haha.
Don't look at me like that. I'm OK, seriously. It's just everyone is ranting their depression online, so thought I would do the same with the anger. And it actually feels good. Sigh... so relieved. Nothing feels better than just screaming "fuck" all over the place.
Seriously, I'm fine. So stop asking me that. I did not rant to bring attention to me. I'm really REALLY ok. Nothing a good night sleep cannot solve. Give me time to simmer, to blow up some cars or slaughter some lecturers, and I'll be fine. Truly. I just need an avenue to channel all this anger in my system. Any volunteers? YeeP? Agong? Come on, Sheena...
I think I'll just go eat some chocolates and pray. So what if I did not make that selection, so what? I'll just go and have fun. After all, that's the number ONE reason to go to Spore, as a debater OR an adjudicator.
Anyway, got to go now. PBL is at 1.45pm, need to find out what is the pathophysiology of Pelvic Inflammation Disease. I'm sorry for the rants above and if it kinda struck a chord anywhere, believe me, it wasn't intentionally. Well... not really. Hehe... I've got good friends. I don't have to worry.
Sigh... gonna go back to study and train for adjudicating. Question, Sheena: How the hell do you train for adjudication.
PS: Check out AhGong's panties. Somehow my initials are on it. EH.
A yellow scarf has been dropped in a pleasant meadow.
Please don't ask me to explain that.
- Piccolo's Cryptic Fortunes, Budehuc Castle, Suikoden III
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