Friday, July 13, 2007
I Fucked Up!
I need to rant to someone, and there is no way I'm going to go to Richard to rant about another guy, hence this post. So bear with me.
When it comes to short cases examination (ie 6 minutes to examine a patient, 2 minutes to present, 2 minutes for questioning), I can always hold my own grounds. I know what to do, and I am confident of doing it. I have had practices, and I KNOW I am quite good at it.
But then why of all fucking days, I have to just screw it up. It is just another practice, I have been taught well, and the only difference is that HE is present.
I mean, COME ON, he is just another doctor who is here to just check on our techniques, and techniques is what I do have. If that is so, why does my heart give a little jump when I hear him speak, and I get all flustered and confused when he asked me questions?
I am not a girl who does anything to please anyone, especially not some higher ups. Then why is there this urge to show him that I am one of the better students? I practiced through the night before to just polish my skills and presentation. I am confident when I went to the patient to start the CVS examination. I was doing fine until the neck.
Can you show me the JVP?
And I gave a little hic when I heard his voice and coupled that with my lack of skills for finding the fucking JVP, I knew then I was screwed. But I persevered on, trying to keep on exuding that confidence. And then I listened to the heart and everything went downhill then.
We students all know that each patients we are asked to examine always have a sign, and at that one day, I could not hear a single fucking thing on that fucking heart!
Will you do anything else?
He was standing right beside me, looking at me and I could not remember a single thing. My mind was freaking blank and Daniel had to jostle me along.
Then let's go wash your hands. We will share a sink.
And my mind was going in overdrive in trying to rearrange my thoughts which were flying everywhere. But I really still thought that I could still salvage it. But when he stood there, leaning casually against the wall, his long legs crossed, the boyish grin on his face, and asked me to present my findings, I began to fumble.
I wanted to impress him, I really do, but I guess my plans backfired on me. My urge to make a good impression began to have a toll on me. And when I reported no murmurs heard, the look that he gave me was of surprised amusement.
No murmurs? Hmm... no murmurs.
It was then I knew I was screwed. I could not complete my presentation, my confidence level was subzero and I floundered all the way through. Hell, the next few seconds was a blur because I could not even remember what happened until the doctor started talking.
So presumably this patient has a mitral regurgitation, what would you have heard?
Shit, this is like the easiest question in the world. I knew the answer, I really do know it. But looking at him, no words could come out of my mouth. I was praying for the floor to open up and just swallow me whole, or just let me have a stroke and fall unconscious, or go into an epileptic seizure. Anything is better than making a complete fucking fool or myself.
Then he went on to illustrate how I should have done my presentation and he told me I lack maturity and sophistication.
And then Raj did his short case examination and reported, and HE looked at me.
"This patient's murmur is harder to hear compared to your patient's murmur, Elena."
Oh God, just let me die.
"Elena, I think you better not get Dr. Wittmann for your exam." - Daniel
It is just HIM!! I cannot concentrate around that man. If I get him for my exam, I have a fucking gut feeling that I am so going to fail. But if I do not get him for my exam, I will never have a chance to show him how good I can be! He will always remember me as the immature fool that should never step into medical school.
Ohhh... I just feel so much like dying. It has been a day since that eventful stupid practice, but here I am still feeling depressed about it. I mean, what the fuck?! What is with this fucking obsession about screwing up a practice? If it was back home in IMU, and the examiner was Tin Ong, Achike or Tim Song, I won't even give a fucking damn. So why now?
ARGH!!!! *runs around the room screaming* I need to get him out of my head so I can just fucking study.
He is a teacher, an adult who is an authoritarian. I don't do authoritarian, I don't do teachers. So why am I doing him? (That sounds wrong). Why do I catch myself staring at him whenever he walks into my sight? Why do I listen to his voice instead of his words? Why do I find myself repeating his name to myself whenever I hear his name? Why is 'Did you see HIM in the wards today?' the first question I ask Raj when he comes back from the hospital? Why is there this urge to impress him? Why am I (in Sheena's words) gushing over him?
Argh!!! I hate my life.
And Richard is being so nice and understanding by not saying anything while I wallow in my depression.
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