Saturday, October 22, 2005
Beginning of the End...
I know, I know, it's cliched and all, so what? sue me. Some people actually chose it as the title for our convo mag (how lame can it be?).
Well, I've got to say that I've fucked up my CNS exam and there's nothing I can do about it now. Seeing my friends getting their matching results and many leaping for joy only spurred me deeper into this melancholy feeling.
I foresee a whining post here...
Matching's out, everyone's leaving, and I'm left in this pit of hell for one more year. Only consolation is I have Richard along with me and I get to graduate the same time as most of my colleagues with double degree to boot.
But I still sometimes wonder, why the hell din't I match... I could have left this hellhole a lot sooner, I could have gone off with some good friends... I could have had fun seeing new places...
Then I'll think further and wonder about what ifs, what if I've gotten Edinburgh (BWAHAHA!!!!) instead? What if I've gotten some really expensive uni that my dad can't afford? Then I'll wonder further. My dad can afford me, but it's just that I have four more other siblings to worry about. If half of my dad's fortune goes to me, those four have to fight for the other half.
Then I'll still think. But did I really want a research degree?? I've gone on and on about finding the cure for AIDS and cancer and a research degree is a necessity for it. But do I really have the patience to sit down and concentrate on so minute details? Can I even handle the lack of action in a research lab (not that I'm saying that there is any action in the medical field itself)? Then I'll say to myself, hell... the road to glory is paved with bloodshed and tears.
But then I'll think on. And what about Queensland? I bet the Uni is not as famous as Aberdeen or Glasgow or Melbourne. But I've known about Queensland so much earlier than St. George (but one is in Aussie and the other in UK and being so Chinaman-hulu-minded, ppl would think the UK wan better la). Somehow UK cert seemed to worth more than Aussie's and so they say UK better than Aussie.
My whole family of grandpa, grandma, granduncle, grandauntie, uncle, auntie and sorts are thinking that I'm going UK. Won't they be wondering why the hell I'm going Aussie to a place they never hear before.
But I still can't get over this nagging feeling for being left out. Yup, I'm jealous, so there, I've said it out. I'm jealous I have friends going to UK, to places I want to go. I'm envious of all those people who had their 1st, 2nd, 3rd choice while I do not even have a choice. I really, really want to go UK. Since young, I've always dreamt of going UK. I came to IMU because it was one of my chances of going to UK, but instead... I'm off to Queensland instead.
The only consolation is I still have Richard along with me, I get a double degree, it's cheaper and it's only a one hour train ride from Sydney where my auntie is dying of some unknown liver disease that the doctors can't figure out due to the reason they can perform a biopsy on her as she would bleed to death. And hey, Kuan Yean took Bio-tech in Queensland and I have some good friends in Perth and Melbourne. And oh ya, Queensland is one of the top research university in Aussie. And the weather in Queensland is just beautiful, and the Great Barrier Reef is within reach ie diving during free time.
But what would I have happened to me if I'm cast out to the open alone? I'll probably shrivel up and die. Haha... No one to hold my responsibilities for me, no one to take care of me, I'll be all alone. So I consider myself very lucky to have chosen Queensland and still have Richard with me. Damn, I'm depending on him too much. Not good, not good at all...
*shivers at thought of Richard leaving* Ok... I've got to buck up and be more independant. But I'm just too lazy to. And can I do it? Most of my friends think so that I can and I will. After EoS la...
But I hate responsibilities... *whine whine whine*
What kind of doctor will I be in the future? The kind who slacks off responsibilities (like Dr. Gregory House, just that I'm not as brilliant as him). We were talking about it, planning our future... looking at which and what to take. Talking is easy, no one can see the future and there are no guarantees... but if things go my way, I would go on to do surgery and get my M-something-something-S and proceed to make my way up the ranks. Research would be my part-time job, so I either find a new cure or a new technique. Got backup plan to be forensic too...
Sounds easy right???
But put me in the open, a free road out there, I'll probably cower and go hide the bed or something. I'll have to work... got to carry responsibilities (YUCK!!!) and patient's lives are in my hands (more responsibilities, fuck). Compassion is something I don't have, I like my patients either dead or asleep. So there.
I don't make a good doctor. So all those friends who wish for free treatment at my clinic, you have been warned. My secondary school dream was to have Yap Jun Wei on an operating table, with me as a surgeon. I'll cut out his heart and right in front of his open seeing eyes, squeeze it till it explodes. BWAHAHAHAHA!!!! I'll probably use my medical knowledge the way Dr. Hannibal Lecter used his.
Ok, enough of whining... God will provide, somehow. Just have faith in Him. He led me down this path and if it's His will, so be it. He led me here, He'll keep me here. I'm leaving everything up to Him now. His will be done.
And let's just end it here and part our ways. Friends are moving on, the world turns... but still we stay on the same path, trudging onward to a future that was supposed to be bright. We took different roads, each piled with obstacles, but as long as we stand together, we'll be able to reach the end.
That sounded like a dumb song. Gonna forget it.
7 more weeks to End of Semester Exam. Things to study:
1. Foundation 2
2. Cardiovascular System
3. Respiratory System
4. Hematology System
5. Gastro-Intestinal System
6. Endocrine System
7. Reproduction System
8. Renal System (I failed this)
9. Musculoskeleton System
10. Central Nervous System
11. Health Issue
I'm so dead. My funeral will be held on 24th Dec 2005, at 10.00am. Don't be late.
We stand before the nightmare of the coming war, on the rise of the hill overlooking the Battlefield of Semester 5. We look to the future of freedom and war, we look to our future along this Beam we stand. The rising sun cast a shadow upon the battlefield. It shall be filled with blood, we shall be bathed with blood, and we shall share the blood that flows through us.
We have come far together, my men, my friends. And we still have far to go. The horizon lies before us as the unexplored frontier, but before the freedom just beyond our reach is this battlefield, is this war that we must win. This is our last battle together, my friends, we part soon after that.
But still, will you ride with me?
For now, we stand together as a batch glorified, the flag of M2/03 rise high above us, and we shall ride into battle with the spirit of M2/03 in us. No matter the outcome of the battle, no matter which path we have chosen, when the spirit of M2/03 calls, we shall answer that call. My men, this is the day, the beginning of the great War ahead. This is our last stronghold, we will build our fortress here. On this rise, with the sun rising on our future, we will prepare for the battle to come.
Are you with me?!!!
And when the time comes, we shall ride like there is no tomorrow. We shall rush upon the enemies like the waves upon the beach, and we shall conquer all and rise to triumph as we always will. As long as we stand together, shoulder to shoulder, back to back, we will ride to victory. For as we walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, we shall fear no evil, as the Lord is with us.
My men, prepare thyself, and prepare thy soul. The End has just begun.
No one can predict the future.
There are no guarantees.
- Rinoa Heartilly, Final Fantasy VIII
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