Friday, January 21, 2005
Complacency? I don't think so.
It's been a full week since we got our results and this one week gave me a chance to sit back, look around, talk to my exam-mates and read a few blogs. A really eye opening week.
And my, we do have many types of exam-mates around. Basically, it boils down to this two.
Type 1: "I passed, God is good, I passed!!!
Type 2: "Shit fucking A-!! $^&*!!"
I've seen friends patting themselves on the back for the results they have, may it be a B or a A-. But there are some who grinched about their 'meager' A-, even to the extent of coming up with excuses that examiners are not fair, or about if they hadn't do this, or do that, or whatever.
I think its dumb. A-????!!! You guys have A- and you guys complain??
For the benefits of my non-imu passengers, let me explain how our point system works.
A : above 80. Well, fine, this is the best.
A-: 75-79.9. Only 0.1 pt from an A.
B+: 70-74.5. Still not that bad right?
B : 65-69.9. You still pass. and still a 0.1 pt from a B+.
B-: 60-64.5. Basically anything below this is a fail. So i wont touch on this.
Now to get unto the Dean's List, is a pretty stupid process. You must not fail any exams and in the EoS, you have to get at least A-. It's an elimination process and I got eliminated in my first EoS with a 74%. Sad right? But who cares?
Coming back to my point.
What's the diff between A- and A? NOTHING!!! You are still in the Dean's List and fine with that. So what are these ppl complaining about?
"Self satisfaction," they say. "Ignorant bullshit!" I say. Satisfaction? I ask when will humans be every satisfied? Get an A and they'll wonder "Is it a high A or a low A?" What the fuck? There are some who expected a B+, got an A- and STILL COMPLAIN!!! WHAT THE FUCKING HELL???? I still can understand if you expect an A and got a B+, but this??? OUTRAGEOUS!!
Richard told me that "If you do something, do it to the best." He gave an analogy. Let's say those who fail, dies; and those who pass, alive. So those who are alive must reach for higher ranks. They have to live with dignity.
Well, I told him, "Be thankful you are even alive. You hover at the brink of death and you are given a chance to be alive. It's enough. A live beggar is better than a dead beggar."
And he said, "Complacency."
And I replied, "What has two thumbs and do not care? Me."
I would understand if you complain about a A- if your parents promised you a RM1000 or something like a new Ferrari or Porche for an A, but self-satisfaction? Argh!!! Just admit you want to be better than the rest.
I used to hate this type of people, the type that complains of things that they have when there are people who would give anything to have the things they have. I used to think what little ungracious boorish bastards they are. But then I realised, they shouldn't evoke hate from me, but pity and symphathy. Pity that they have not grew up from the kiasuness all of us have instilled in us since very young by our parents (adults are stupid).
I admit, I used to be like that. In Std 1, when I first got first in class, my childish mind knew that I was in a race and had to stay first. So for the next 6 years, I got 1st, by hook or crook. The race wasn't easy, with the best minds nipping so close to my heel. My best friend, (kudos Cass), then a future-Asean-scholor was always so near to me, coming in 2nd. But I found it FUN. The key word here is FUN. I had FUN staying ahead, taunting my friends to come touch me. And to get the praises and glamour? Whew, that was FUN!!!
Then I realised something. It just came like a bolt from the blue. My grandma used to promised all my other cousins that if they get top FIVE, FIVE not first, they'll get a reward. Me? They do not dare to promise cause I'll get it. So if I get first I get nothing? What the hell? I'll come home with news that I get 1st again and my mom will just nod and went on with life. Soon it got really bored. And i'm getting discouraged.
I get 1st I get nothing. I get 2nd and I get a scolding. Such is a fucked up life. I get 6As for PMR and a grounding, my sis get 6As and got RM100 per A.
By then I realised that it was entirely my fault. If i had not been so smart in my younger years, I won't be pressured to do better and better. People are just not satisfied, my parents the same. I had a reputation to protect, but is this reputation worth it? I'm unhappy, angsty, forcing myself to study, for NOTHING!!! It was just not worth it. Just not fucking worth the time I could have live my life better.
The change happened in Form 4 after I got my PMR results. I grew up then. I realised that there is more to life than just studying and slogging your way through all the books. For what? So you can get a nice cert which says you passed SPM? So? Does it really made a difference? Richard has 9A1s, I have way less, yet I'm still here with him studying medicine. Even if I had gotten 10A1s, i would have still not gotten JPA scholarship, cos I never knew of such scholarship until the results came out.
So I ask again, does it make a difference? *shrug* In my life, no. Not sure about yours.
For me now, getting a B or a A- made no difference. I passed. Who cares? It won't show up on my certs, my patients wont know how well or how bad i did in school. And my friends and family no longer cared too. There is no more encouragement to go get an A or score high in an exam. It is now all the same. I just do well enough to put me in a good school and come out with a decent job, and still live happily.
It's not like I'm not studying. It's just that I set lower standards from myself now. When I first stepped into IMU, my aim was to do well enough just to be on the Dean's List. Now since I'm off the Dean's List, I'll just do well enough to pass everything. At least I have some dignity to stay alive. But going thru crazy studying sessions, like spending 15 fucking hours studying just to get an A? Hell, NO! I still come out a doctor, same like any A scoring guy. My cert may be same as them, bearing the degree MBBS. My patients would not even know that he is a A scholar, while I am just an average student. So why force myself? I study enough to get a B or a B+, anything higher is God-given and a plus and another reason to celebrate.
And no matter what, I'm satisfied with whatever results I have. You won't see me sulking in one corner just because I have a B, you won't see me wallowing in self-pity just because I did not get an A. Any results is given to me by God and I'm happy with it. This result I hold in my hands, this B... i did not deserve it cos I did not study hard for it, but it is God given and I'm satisfied.
God gave us our lives, and living our life to the fullest is the greatest praise to Him, no matter how fucked up it is. Realistically, yes, we do have to study. But by doing things that we love, that is living. Studying is something NONE of us love, so if our whole life is dedicated to studying, it is a sad case indeed. Sure you can praise and glorify God with that A, but if you destroy your life in the process, complaining about the results God gave to you?
I ask you, which is the bigger sin?
So in the end, I may be complacent, but I'm happy and SATISFIED!! And that is what it really matters. I have finally grew up from being a kiasu kid to one who is satisfied with life and the things God gave to me.
Or I may be just in denial and lazy.
To live is not a sin, but to remain ignorant is.
- Sarah, Ceremonial Site, Suikoden III
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